Friday Fundamentals – Boundaries

Up until now, Friday Fundamentals has focused on mechanical issues. This issue is going to focus on mental processes. An incident that was in the news recently drives the discussion.

“It scared me absolutely to death,” said Sherry McLain. She was loading groceries into her car this past Saturday in the crowded Walmart parking lot on Old Fort Parkway in Murfreesboro.

That’s when a strange man approached, surprising her, and she pulled her revolver. “I have never been so afraid of anything in my whole life I don’t think,”

Woman Arrested After She Said She Pulled Gun In Self-Defense

There are a number of problems here that led to her arrest.

  • Her level of fear was irrational. Witnesses and surveillance cameras confirmed that the man simply spoke to her from 10 feet away.
  • Being startled and being legitimately rationally afraid are two entirely different things.
  • She doesn’t understand the difference between setting boundaries and enforcing boundaries.
  • Because she doesn’t understand the difference, she didn’t comprehend that when we are defending ourselves, there’s a hierarchy involved. First, we set the boundary and then we enforce it, not vice versa.
  • As a result, she now has another issue; the criminal justice system. She was arrested for aggravated assault and reckless endangerment. Based on the current information, I doubt that will go well for her.

Let’s make something clear at the outset, when you pull a gun on someone, you’re threatening to kill them. It doesn’t matter whether you say a word or not, you’re threatening to kill them. Some people apparently don’t understand that and the gravitas it carries. You better have a good reason for doing so. Irrational fear is not a good reason. Simply being startled is not a good reason.

The question of how this might have been avoided brings us to the issues of controlling fear, setting boundaries, and enforcing boundaries.

Controlling fear is a complex topic that is not often discussed in the training community. If anything, the community tends to promote fear, “I was in fear for my life” having become almost a mantra. The woman in the incident invoked it but the police were unimpressed. The difference between reasonable fear and irrational fear is frequently left out of that discussion. It’s somewhat pathetic that there’s better literature in the competitive swimming community about how to control fear than there is in the self-defense community. Learning to control fear is a process beyond the scope of a single blog post. It behooves those who carry deadly weapons to do some research on the topic.

The next issue is boundary setting and boundary enforcement. This is a process more easily trained than controlling fear. Boundary setting and enforcement are simply elements of a process. All we need to do is understand the process and practice it.

It’s important to understand that we set boundaries with communication and barriers, not with tools. The communication can be either verbal or non-verbal. The most obvious form of barriers are the homes we live in, assuming the doors and windows are closed and locked. If a criminal fails to respect the boundaries we set, then we use tools, in this case weapons, to enforce the boundaries. We don’t use tools at the outset to set our boundaries.

One of the biggest issues we have as a society is that we have forgotten or gotten out of the habit of saying NO! That can be done either verbally or non-verbally. Training to say NO! should be a primary lesson in every class on personal protection and people should practice it on a regular basis. Simply raising an outstretched hand and shaking the head can accomplish a lot. Keep in mind that a great deal of communication is non-verbal; we can use that fact to our advantage.

A proper sequence that would have kept this woman out of trouble might be as follows:

Recognize that being startled is not the same as being afraid. She was startled because she was task fixated on loading her groceries in the car, i.e., she had not one bit of situational awareness. Most people are like that. In this sort of a situation, looking around before you get to the car, as you arrive at it, and then after loading each bag goes a long way toward avoiding being startled. Positioning the car for safety helps too. In the sense of color or awareness codes, she was in White or Unaware.

If she had been in Yellow or Aware and seen him approach, there’s nothing wrong with being proactive and raising the hand in the ‘stop’ gesture. That’s the first step in setting a boundary. Her mental state at that point could be described as Orange or Alert.

And yes, at this point, we could invoke the boogeyman of ‘The 21 foot rule’ that Dennis Tueller himself says has become terribly misconstrued.  But the circumstances where a criminal runs up to someone in a WalMart parking lot and slashes their throat are far less common than ‘incrementing,’ which is a standard way for criminals to operate. Whether those throat slashings are in fact, reality or figbars of overactive imaginations remains to be seen.

If the person continued to advance, a default verbal response of ‘Stop, don’t come any closer’ clearly sets the boundary. Any decent person would stop at that point. If the person doesn’t stop, it’s an indicator that something nefarious is developing. The mental state shifts to Red or Alarm. Once the intent of the other party becomes more clear, then we can make a decision about which tool we want to employ to enforce the boundary. We can also determine what barriers we might employ in the process. That, too, is a discussion for another time. The boundary setting and enforcement decision process is what’s important in this particular case.

Another thing to consider is that any time we get a gun out for defensive purposes; be that from a holster, purse, nightstand, safe, or whatever, there’s a possibility it’s going to be fired, either intentionally or unintentionally. The more scared we are, the higher that possibility. Therein lays one of my chief objections to brandishing, which is what the lady did; the possibility it will culminate in a Negligent Discharge.

Since thinking about the ‘worst case’ is something many people like to do, let’s examine the possibility of a Negligent Discharge in this situation. Say the woman had an ND as she pointed her revolver at the man or the other people present. It’s probably a good thing for all of the parties involved that she had a revolver and not a striker fired autoloader. If her irrational fear had caused her to have an ND, what would be her eventual statement in court? Something to the effect of “He asked me for a light, I was scared so I drew my pistol, I had an Accidental Discharge, which resulted in a death. It was an accident.” Most likely, she’d go up the river for Manslaughter. Fortunately, that particular Negative Outcome didn’t happen. What did happen was the Negative Outcome of ‘Police Involvement,’ to wit, getting arrested.

If this lady had understood the awareness and boundary processes and then used them properly, she probably would have gone home instead of getting arrested. That’s something for all of us to consider.

13 responses

  1. […] Source: Friday Fundamentals – Boundaries […]

  2. Reblogged this on Stuff From Hsoi and commented:
    Claude Werner, dropping some important knowledge about mental preparation and the importance of setting boundaries — and knowing and understanding this PRIOR to needing it.

  3. Excellent needs to be incorporated in all self defense classes.

    Sent via the Samsung GALAXY S®4 Active™, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

  4. Excellent article. Will be awaiting the follow on articles.

  5. It was always a challenge to instruct our law enforcement trainees in use of force and force continuum issues. Sending them out into the world armed and with the unlimited scenarios they likely would encounter was done only after hours and days of training and testing. Updates and in-service training was also required to bring new court rulings and statutes into the mix. Armed civilians though, are just as responsible for the correct and proper use of firearms and ultimately, deadly force. It’s a “big boys/girls game” and any person should be aware and educated to the consequences of their actions. Sadly, that appears not to be the case here.

  6. Adding this to my post on the topic . . . boundaries is a topic that I suspect few touch on but it should certainly be a component of any defensive training. Thanks for sharing your thoughts here.

  7. […] good stuff from one of the most thoughtful and insightful people in the business, Claude Werner.  Go read […]

  8. great info, thanks. i have never considered boundaries in this fashion but makes good sense. RB

  9. Great stuff, and I agree 100%. Still, it’s hard to believe that any innocent male citizen nowadays is DUMB enough to ask a strange person, especially a lone woman, “for a light”. Even back in the ’70’s (when I was young) that was considered an obvious distraction technique for a mugging or an assault…

  10. Do we know what he said to her? Might not want to be so judgey until you know that. “I’m gonna kill you, bitch.” from 10 feet away is pretty damn scary.

    1. He said “Do you have a light?” Whether that was an encroachment or not is unknown but in and of itself, it’s not threatening in the slightest.

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